Is He In The Closet?

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Name: Brandi


Question: Will Try to keep this brief.

Just relocated to D.C. seven months ago. Met a guy on Match two months ago. He’s definitely not my usual type, an artist, a private investigator, dresses very stylized and rockabilly. He’s the funniest guy and so different.

Backstories: I’ve been married, and my last long term relationship ended in 2010. I deliberately have only casually dated in that time because I know I pick unavailable men and just wanted a break to try and get things together for myself emotionally. Last relationship was awful and emotional push pull for three years. His is his fiancé cheated on him, then his last relationship she cheated as well. Also full disclosure he has confided in me that he has many gay friends, his best friend in college and roommate came out, but they continued to live together and the guy had a boyfriend. He also said at age 21 he chose to stop having sex for five years (!) because he felt he was sleeping with girls and using them and dumping them and he wanted to change. Also he has a terrible relationship with his mom, she’s been married several times and he basically raised his younger siblings.

So, he sent me flowers after our second date, took me to the doctor when I was sick, all good things. But he constantly makes “jokes” and comments about gay things such as oh yeah I gave him a hand job, but in context of joking. I asked him why and he said he has many gay friends and it’s just to see if people are homophobic and he hates that??

We have had sex three times or tried and the first and latest time he could only get hard by masturbating.

I have really found myself falling for him but wondering if he’s confused sexually. I asked and he said if I was bi I’d just tell you. As to gay, he said something like why would I want something in my a**, I’ve had colon cancer (which he had three years ago).

Also to add to the fun, I’ve done the hot and cold thing with him now twice, our last conversation was basically me saying I really like you and want a relationship after sort of backing off three weeks ago and him saying I love spending time with you, I just want to take it slow and see what happens. And if sex confuses you and makes you get emotional, we can just hang out and take that out of the equation (he said to me).

Is he gay or just not that into me?
Age: 46


Your thoughts?



  1. I think, at the very least, he’s sexually confused. One does not make sexual jokes about same sex activities to “rule out homophobes”. Because making those jokes is insensitive to gay people. How you determine if someone is a homophobe is by observing their behavior, not by juvenile, offensive “jokes” that test their boundaries. I don’t want any man joking about giving or getting sexual favors from someone else *of any gender* around me because that’s immature and inappropriate.
    I will say that how he dresses, the not having sex for years, the cheating ex, the push pull, all of that does not add up to anything in the “clues” that he’s gay or not. Is he attracted to and having sex with men? That’s the litmus test. It sounds like he may be forcing himself to have relationships with women he’s not attracted to, or he may be asexual (which means he’s not attracted to anyone or interested in any relationships sexually).
    To me, this man is more trouble than he’s worth at this point.
    You might need to take a moment and get clear on what you want from a guy. Do you want regular, satisfying “PIV” sex? He’s probably not the guy for you.
    If you simply want companionship and a friend to lean on, he may still work out. But it sounds like by your combing over every detail of his life, that you feel something is “off” about this. And you’re probably right.
    People who like you and want you act like they like you and want you.


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