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Hi Moxie:

I wanted to tell you a story, not because I have a question but to see
what you think.  I met a girl on howaboutwe, she is 25,  Persian (grew up
in Iran) and didn’t know European food well. I wrote to her about a
Spanish place in my neighborhood and we ended up meeting. A few
glasses of sangria later, we ended up back at my place. I know it was
stupid, but I didn’t ‘helmet my warrior’ that night. So the date ends
with a swing by CVS for some Plan B (on me).

Sidenote: I’m reasonably certain she didn’t just toss the Plan B, she
later commented that inside the (rather large) box the pill was super
tiny.

We like each other & continue dating, a couple of weeks go by when she
tells me she is late. The next time I see her she is still late, at
which point I tell her there is no point in keeping this a mystery.
The following Sunday I pick up some EPT’s and she tests positive (five
times – if that is significant).  She asks me what I want, and (of
course) I tell her we aren’t ready.

We both start researching early termination options – she said she
didn’t want to do the pills, too many online horror stories of severe
cramping only to discover they didn’t work anyway. I started calling
aspiration facilities, but nothing was what we were looking for – too
expensive, too far away, no ‘companion’ option, etc. I said we should
go to Planned Parenthood to following Saturday – for some reason I had
it in my head that PP offered abortion counseling but didn’t perform
abortions.

When we got there, they gave her another test while I waited. She met
with a counselor and requested that I be there. The counselor came and
got me, told both of us the test was positive, at which point (to my
surprise) my girl turned to me and said ‘so what do you want to do?’ I
again said we aren’t ready, and we talked to the counselor about a
variety of topics. It turns out PP performs abortions, at a place
close to my home and at a reasonable price. At one point the counselor
said aspiration is only used for 6 to 13 week pregnancies. I said our
first date was only 4 weeks prior, the counselor gave me a look and
said ‘our tests only work for pregnancies past 5 weeks’.

I looked it up later – there are two ways of counting weeks, 1) from
the date of the last period or 2) from the (estimated) date of the
fertilization. That 2 week bridge could make all the difference. One
last thing to note – she showed me her belly the next day, and it was
the size of a golfball. She is a really tiny girl (maybe 5’3 and about
90lbs), but still I was surprised.

We left PP Sat with no appointment because she ‘wanted to think’.
Today she went back and got some financial counseling, and made an
appointment for this coming Saturday.

Anyway, curious about your thoughts, especially as it relates to me
and what the ‘right thing’ would be for me to do this week. – Jay, 40

 

Okay. Where do we begin?

I’m reasonably certain she didn’t just toss the Plan B, she
later commented that inside the (rather large) box the pill was super
tiny.

The only thing you know for sure is that the Plan B was purchased. You have no idea if the pill was actually taken. Anybody can open a box and look inside. Next time, and I’m really hoping this situation taught you a lesson and there won’t be a next time, you stand over her and you watch her take that pill. I know that sounds harsh, but if a man is intent on not having children, he needs to have a far more active and accountable role in the whole process.

This, ladies and gentleman, is why men shouldn’t casually date women this much younger than them. The level of immaturity expressed by both parties is STAGGERING.

First of all, let’s just be honest here. You were never going to date this girl seriously. In which case, you made a crucial misstep by “being there” for her. Now you’ve indulged her immature ideas of how relationships roll out. She’s a 25 year old woman who chose to have sex with a guy on a first date without a condom. Therefore, she can be a big girl and take that test on her own instead of tickling your ass with a feather about how she’s omigod late.  Dram drama drama, be there for me, etc. Bottom line: if she screwed you on a first date without a condom, she’s done it before. That is not a judgment call. That is a case of identifying a possible pattern. That’s it.

If this is new behavior for her, I can just about guarantee you she assumed that because you went without a condom with her, she was “special.” From that moment on, she had it in her head that she meant something to you. And every step of the way, you have enabled that thinking. That is going to make this whole situation much more difficult.

Do I feel you have an obligation to this woman? Yes. Absolutely. The unfortunate part of this is that you don’t know for sure that this baby is yours. Again, not a judgment call. Just pointing out a possible pattern. This is why I tell all my male friends to never, ever, ever go without birth control when they sleep with women this young. At that age, women are still figuring out their cycle. If this girl was willing to have unprotected sex when she did, and a pregnancy resulted, then she likely hasn’t a clue about her cycle and when she ovulates. That’s something many women figure out over time. We learn how to identify the changes in our bodies and know when we’re most fertile. This girl is immature. Plain and simple.

Regardless of whether or not you’re The Daddy, you’re stuck. There is no point in addressing the major inconsistencies here, as she’s not going to tell you the truth. She has it set in her mind that you’re the daddy and nothing will change that. Should she not decide to go through with the abortion, you demand a DNA test before you commit to ANYTHING.

You should pay for half of the procedure, check up on her afterwards, but you should not sit there in that waiting room with her. Tell her to get a friend to go with her. Sorry, but this is one of those brutal life lessons this girl needs to learn before she finds herself back in that clinic. You are not her boyfriend. You will not have a life together. You can not force intimacy through an unplanned pregnancy. The more you do for her and the more you indulge her, the harder it’s going to be when you dump her. Which is exactly what you should do once all the dust settles. This girl is a A CHILD. She has immature views on dating and relationships ( as do you) and refuses to be accountable for her choices. Between the unnecessary drama, the the inability to take more responsibility, to her stunted approach to relationships…this girl is a kid. You’re an adult. And you should have known better. Your days of going without a condom after a  drunken night out with some random girl should be long behind you. You’re worse than she is. Seriously, what adult male ejaculates inside of a woman he barely knows knowing no birth control is being used? I love how proud you sound of  buying her a box of Plan B? Wow, you’re a true gentleman, aren’t you?

We left PP Sat with no appointment because she ‘wanted to think’.
Today she went back and got some financial counseling, and made an
appointment for this coming Saturday.

I’m not sure that she “wanted to think.” My guess is she was hoping to either change your mind or try and force a little more intimacy before this whole thing goes to pot.  You need to make it very, very clear to her that you will do the stand up thing and support your child if that is her decision, but that there will not be any form of a romantic relationship between the two of you. My guess is, once she understands that, she’ll see where things are headed and hopefully go quietly into that good night. This relationship needs to end, pronto. If it doesn’t, she will probably hold that abortion over your head. You two do not have a future. So suck it up, get through this week, do the right thing, be supportive without enabling her delusions, and then be on your way.

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