Why Every Woman Needs a Friend To Tell Them, “Gurl, NO.”

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Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Red Lips
Comment: I met a guy 10 years ago through a old friend I used to date(weird, right? I know). We only talked via phone but never physically met. I felt an emotionally connected to him and liked him instantly. He seemed not interested at first, so I insisted that we exchanged pictures. When we did, my feelings changed because my friend and him had lied to me about what he looked like. The whole time, I had a different picture of the person I was talking to in my mind. Surprisingly, he became suddenly very interested after seeing my pictures, but my feelings had changed. So, I suggested that we remain friends instead.

Long story short, I got into another relationship but from time to time that guy would call to check up on me during those 10 years. I moved on with my life, and it seems that he did too. I was in that relationship for 9 years, which ended earlier this year. Right after my relationship ended, that guy got back in contact with me and we started talking again. He wanted to start something right away, but I told him he was too soon for me and that I needed time. At first he understood and asked me to take my time. But then, the next few days he would change his mind and kept insisting that he is the right guy for me and that I never gave him a chance. That I’ve been wasting my time with the wrong guys…I was so confused because I was still trying to get over my ex that I consulted a psychic.

The psychic told me to let my ex-boyfriend go; that he’s interested in another girl and that is why he did not want to take the relationship to the next level after 9 years of being together. She also told me that the new person in my life has good intentions, that his heart is true and that he’s my soul mate. She advised me to give him a chance and that he sees the relationship positive and it could be blossoming into a marriage and they’re kids in our near future(Sounds like what every woman wants to hear, right?). Against my gut feeling and the fear that I could be loosing a good guy, I decided to give it a shot. I was honest from the beginning and told him that I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend, and that I am not in love with him as my boyfriend yet. He said that he understood and that we can work through it together.

A few weeks later, he suggested that we meet in a neutral place. He currently lives in Canada and I’m in the U.S. I gave it some thought but I agreed. We decided to meet in San Francisco and spend some time together for 1 week to see how it all planned out. I wanted to meet him because I didn’t want to be one of these people who are with someone they never met. Emotional connection is equally important to me as physical connection.

When we finally meet, i soon realized that he is not the type of guy that I would go for. My initial feelings that I had when I first saw his pictures came rushing back. Of course, after 10 years he looked much older. He told me that he would be 37 years old this July, but when we went to Macy’s he was asked to show his ID for a purchase. I asked him to see his ID and realized that he’s actually 43. I don’t mind dating someone in that age, but why did he have to lie about his age? Men don’t usually do that, do they? Women do. Also, prior to going to San Francisco, just like the psychic predicted, he started talking about marriage and kids. I really go along with it because the psychic said it would happen and that he’s my future husband it’s something that I would likely happen in the near future. We started making a lot of plans together (marriage, kids, where we would live, etc…) We even planned to get married in San Francisco 2 days later after meeting each other. He planned it
all out on his own. All I had to do was bring my dress. Of course, I had doubts, my gut feelings kept telling me that that’s not how it’s going to happen. I had so many questions like: Why does he wants to get married so quickly? Why does he want us to start trying to get pregnant as soon as we meet? Why does he want to rush the process? Then I started seeing some Red Flags: 1) He also told me that he did not snore, but that night, I could barely sleep! Jeez!!! Canada could hear this man from San Francisco!

2)Besides the fact that I was not attracted to him, he was nothing like I thought. He was not affectionate, considerate or romantic like he stated. He didn’t do anything to make me feel comfortable, and did not check up on me when I almost fell in the bathroom while taking a shower. He heard me scream and only asked about the scream when we head to dinner that night. Really??? 3) He does not open doors for me or acted like a gentleman. 4) He wanted to make me fall in love with him while in San Francisco, I was looking forward to see how that was going to happen, but he let me pay for lunches and dinners occasionally. 5) I was going to get my phone fixed one day, he decided to let me go alone and said he wanted to sleep. The man kept me up all night and he wants to sleep some more at 3 o’clock in the afternoon? On my way back, he asked me to bring dinner and drinks for him. And then at night, he would try to have sex with me. Is that supposed to make a girl fall in love with you? I
suppose that at 43, aren’t you supposed to know how to do that? I felt that we were just 2 platonic friends. When we walk in the streets, everything felt so awkward, but at night, he would try to be all touchy so he could have sex with me. I felt that I put myself in the situation so I ended having sex with him. Luckily, my period started 2 days later. I told him and thank God I didn’t have to have sex with him ever again! Oh, did I mention the 2nd time he tried to have sex with me, he couldn’t get it up!??!! Do guys in that age group have that kinda problem so soon? I always thought it was something that men in the 50’s and 60’s would have. He’s only 43 for God’ sake. Why isn’t his penis working? I was hoping for some good steamy sex despite the fact I was not attracted to him. I was very disappointed and glad at the same time. Disappointed because I was hoping to try it with someone new after doing it with 1 person for 9 years straight. Glad, because he will never touch me again.

My questions are: 1) I think he’s a good guy and would make a good husband for some girl, but am I making a mistake by letting him go? The psychic said that this was my husband. 2) Am I being shallow, I let him go because I was not attracted to him at all. There was zero attraction from my part. I know he’s attracted to me because he kept complimenting me, my looks and said that I had a great body. But I wanted to cry after having sex with him and felt really cheap. 3) If the sex is off in the beginning, should I have stayed and work it out? I didn’t want to because I felt no connection with him. When I broke up with him, he took it pretty well for someone who would profess his profound love and admiration for me daily. He said he wouldn’t mind staying friends, but I never heard from him again.

Please help! Did I make a mistake???
Age: 33
City: Jersey City
State: NJ




I wanted to meet him because I didn’t want to be one of these people who are with someone they never met.

Yeah, because those people are idiots, amirite? You don’t want to be some sap who falls for a scam but you are perfectly okay being a person who would allow the words of a psychic to dictate your decisions. Hello? **taps microphone** Is this thing on? Do you see the inconsistency there?

I suppose that at 43, aren’t you supposed to know how to do that?

Well, I guess, but couldn’t the same thing be said about a 33-year-old adult woman? Shouldn’t you, a woman in her thirties, be able to tell when she’s genuinely attracted to someone and when she isn’t?

I don’t even see the point in addressing all of your concerns because you actually believe some weirdo with a crystal ball saw your future husband. All of your reservations about this guy are moot. Girl, no. No, No, No. That psychic is a con artist. Most of them are. They tell women what they want to hear and read from a script.

You did not disrupt any kind of other worldly design by dumping this guy. The psychic lied. She did what most psychics do and fed you a vague line, complete with nondescript mention of some random dude that was in your orbit. Why? Because, as you said, a lot of women pay these bozos good money to find out when they’ll meet their future hubby. It’s a scam. I’d bet 80% of the women who traipse through those beaded curtains and sit at that table all have a longing for a husband. You can bet that psychic tells them exactly what she told you. “Oh, he’s out there. I see him. You don’t think of him as marriage material but he is.” Know why she says that? Because most women have that guy they cut loose or that friend they harbor feelings for that fit that not at all specific description. These charlatans know exactly what to say.

As for the guy, he’s been hanging on for almost ten years, waiting for you to be available. What does that tell you? It tells me this guy has been suffering from a decade long dry spell. At best he’s just some desperate loser looking to get laid. At worst, he’s in search of a green card because he needs to get the hell out of Dodge. Either way he’s sketchy. He’s okay with being friends because he got what he wanted: sex.

Girl, no. Stop going to psychics and stop thinking that getting married is the be all, end all. As you can see, that desperation took you to a pretty ugly place. Time for you to break out of whatever insulated little bubble you live in and start getting acclimated to the real world. That naiveté you possess is going to be the end of you if you don’t get a grip.