Slutty or Sweet?

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Oh, hello Gym Guy. Baby, you werk that grey tank top. That’s it. Let me see you stretch those quads. Bend over. Just a little more. Yeah. That’s it. 

This was the running commentary going through my head yesterday while I sneaking peeks at Gym Guy. I become a walking How You Doin? gif every time he’s in my vicinity.I wish I could be nonchalant and wave at him or show up at the yoga class he told me he goes to every Saturday. I’m afraid to seem obvious.


Of course, this isn’t how I act outwardly. He’s aware of me. I’m aware if him.  But I’m such  a chicken shit I can’t bring myself to look him in the eye. Yesterday  I looked curvy, toned and athletic in my orange Nike long sleeved top that nipped at the waist and Fabletics leggings.  Two of the trainers smiled at me and said hello as I walked the pathway towards the water bubbler to fill my bottle. Out of the corner of my eye – Bam – I saw him. Good thing I had a thick fitted tank top underneath my shirt or else he would have seen my nipples get hard.


The nipple-baring top. This was taken last year.

 I do not know how to flirt. I know how to get a guy into bed and I know how to be their buddy. I have no understanding of what it means to play coy and demure. It’s not in my genetic make-up. A commenter asked how one could seduce without flirting. The only explanation I have is that there’s an innocence required to flirt successfully that is unnecessary when trying to seduce someone.  A demure approach to seduction is counter-intuitive. Seduction is about power and confidence. My physical presentation helps me along in this regard.I have boobs and an ass and full lips and wild curly hair. These are all features that conjure images of sex and sexual acts. To some degree men think I’m asking for their lewd come-ons just by how I look.   Takes these Tinder dip shits, for example:



and this…


I used to like being told I was sexy. I still do, but not if it’s being said by a stranger. That person has decided to put me in a box. I’m The chances of me ever escaping that box and being more than a receptacle for his jizz are slim. To them, I am defined not by my character or my mind, but my body. And before some of you say, “But it’s a compliment!” let me stop you.  When I was more insecure, I though that, too. Now I know better. When a man I don’t know tells me I’m sexy, what he’s really saying is, “You are a hole and nothing more.” It makes me feel dirty, like I’ve done something untoward. My confidence in those situations is shot. Only with men for whom I have little regard can I be sexually assertive. Those guys will think I’m a slut and I don’t care. I embraced my sluttier side a long time ago. Slutty makes me feel powerful. It’s when I’m around guys I respect and have an established relationship that I feel inhibited. In those cases, their opinions matter. It takes me a while before I can ask a guy like for a facial.

Gym Guy is prime spring fling material if he’s available. You’d think that decision would make our interactions easier, but it doesn’t. He intimidates me to some degree because he’s in better shape than I am and conventionally attractive. If I turn on my sex kitten persona I’ll feel like I’m trying too hard.  Whenever i see him he’s usually contorting his body in a position that conjures up images of sweaty nights having athletic, bendy sex that culminates in the both of us lying their breathless and spent.Like, all i can think about when I look at him is sex. That’s it. And yet despite such a modest investment level, I still very much care what he thinks.

Oh yeah, did I mention I got my sex drive back? That was something else depression robbed me of before I went on Wellbutrin. Little by little, my hormones have risen back up to optimum fucking levels and don’t appear to be waning. In fact, I’ve been thinking about going off my meds in the next few months. My energy levels haven’t been this high in years and my good days are outnumbering the bads ones more and more. I did my first yoga class today, which is a big thing for me because normally I prefer to stay to myself when I work out. I entered the class feeling very insecure, like I wasn’t as good as everyone else. As the class progressed and I realized I knew  and could hold most of the poses I grew more confident. It was such a good experience that it energized me. I ended up doing an additional 30 minutes of cardio after class. (No Gym Boy, though. He doesn’t work out on Fridays.)

If things stay like this through May or so, I’m going to talk to my doctor about weaning off the Wellbutrin. I was told when I started taking the pills last year that I wouldn’t have to be on them for too long, maybe a couple of years. How long do people normally stay on anti-depressants? Is a year too soon to consider going off of them?




  1. My only worry is that so many people go on antidepressants or other meds, and start feeling great, like they don’t even need them anymore! And then they wean themselves off and..bam! the root cause (chemical imbalance in the brain) rears it’s ugly head and because of the havoc it wreaks on your life, you struggle to find your way back to daily meds. Especially with depression–it’s insidious. “It won’t make any difference” “I’m already working out and eating right, this is just who I am” “It’s SAD, not organic depression. When summer comes, I’ll be back in the game” and so on. That’s usually depression speaking—keeping you locked in a battle with your own mind and body.

    On the other topic, I have mixed feelings about being called sexy or being hit on very quickly by men. I do think that most men who do it are devaluing the women they do this to but I HATE the system that divides sexual, available women and “good girls” who “make” men “prove themselves”. Prove what? We don’t need the money, the social status, or even the children (we can have them via donor) anymore. So why are we going through this dance of “prove to me you’re a good guy/girl before we have sex.” I get that a relationship is not transactional–it’s not supposed to be about getting something from the other person, and that sex too soon throws a monkey wrench in things.

    But I just hate that women are so trapped. Deny your own very real desires and body to get…what? A man who buys into a gross, outdated system? Or go for it and feel hollow, used, and sad after having sex with someone who doesn’t value you as a person or a woman? Great options.


  2. I am procrastinating going to the gym. Ha. In regards to the medication, people stay on for years and if it works, why stop? And i am sure it is part of why you have more good days.

    For gym boy, he sounds hot. If all you want is a fling just tell him you are inpressed wih his weight lifting. If it is true, great. If not, big deal, you won’t win the feminist of the year award and it is not a big lie. And if it goes against your personality, so what? If it didn’t work before, try something new.


  3. Neither of those guys approached you with an inappropriate salacious come on. One guy was maybe a little forward and the other was clearly making a joke – ie flirting. So, if those men are the options cited for supposedly “looking for sex” on your other site, I think you may have more options than you think.

    With regard to just looking for sex and objectification, if those are cardinal sins, seems to me the Gym Guy might have the same complaint about you. Color me confused.


    1. What are you confused about? In my case, while I am 100% objectifying him, I’m not saying any of that to his face. He’s not being put into an awkward position by me saying this here but not to him directly. It’s not the act of objectification that women take issue with, because we do it, too. It’s the direct expression of the objectification that’s inappropriate. That’s the line cross. Think whatever the fuck you want, but treat me the way you’d treat anyone else until I tell you otherwise.

      “Neither of those guys approached you with an inappropriate salacious come on”
      You don’t seem to understand something: you don’t get to decide what other people can and can not find inappropriate. Everybody has their own boundaries. Commenting on people’s bodies is rude. Full stop. If I posted a photo of myself wearing a new lipstick and said, “Hey everybody! Look at my new lipstick!” then maybe it’s acceptable for someone to say I have nice lips. If a guy comments on my mouth he’s thinking one thing and one thing only – blowjob. Don’t tell me that if a woman commented on the bulge in your pants and said, “Nice package” you wouldn’t think ti strange, and that if women did that to you over and over AND OVER again you wouldn’t eventually find it gross and dehumanizing.


    2. So a very obvious double entendre that’s directly about “kinky” sex or BDSM isn’t salacious? Out of the blue comments on highly sexualized body parts isn’t salacious? Gimme a break here.
      In general I feel your comment are mostly on point, but you don’t know what it’s like for women. We’re on the lookout *all the time* because pretty much the minute you let your guard down BAM there’s a fuckboi waiting to make you feel like shit.
      Women have to become finely trained in detecting men’s meaning and intentions. Give them some credit. A man who, in the first few messages, says things like “you have such sexy lips” is probably not a good guy. He may be. But we can’t afford to take chances. That guy you gave a second chance to? The one you overlooked his crude come-on’s? That’s the guy that will very likely take you out, have sex with you once, and then never call. Or the guy that will rapidly escalate his requests for “pics” and ask you for what amounts to sexting, that goes nowhere.
      If you’re on the market for dating, even casual dating, this isn’t fun or cool for you.
      I get that it may feel like men get attacked over and over on this and ATWYS, but women get their fair share of lumps: Moxie tells women over and over to stop and think, and this is exactly what she’s doing.


      1. **So a very obvious double entendre that’s directly about “kinky” sex or BDSM isn’t salacious?**

        Yeah, and also it’s like, “Eh, screw talking about the book manuscript you’re excited about, let’s talk about SEX instead.” It shifts it from, “Who are you as a person?” to “What can you do for me?”

        A man who cares about the impression he makes on a woman won’t move to Sexy Talk so fast. A man just out to get laid…will.


      2. Hey don’t get me wrong, hate on all men for all I care. I don’t much care for them either. But if you’re going to take a stance against objectification as the moral wrong, it should be principled and not depend on the person committing the objectification and which team they’re on.

        Personally, I don’t think those comments were particularly rude. But, it’s really a separate issue. The issue as originally framed here is that these comments are rude yes but also that they make us feel bad because they reflect a focus on our bodies and not our minds or characters. I just don’t see a distinction between that and lusting publicly after a guy at the gym because you like his ass. I just can’t imagine the critique of a male blogger who publicly wrote this stuff about his gym crush. Lacks principle. That’s all. Carry on.


  4. Good post. I like the picture–that orange is a nice color. Also, good point on the distinction on flirting and deduction–I hadn’t appreciated the underlying affected shyness inherent in flirting.

    I also agree that commenting on someone’s body parts feels icky. It feels inappropriate, also I just feel like there’s something a little depressing about it because people can’t change individual body parts so much, so even if I hear a compliment about one thing I think of all the things I’m not so happy about. I prefer more holistic compliments early on in a social interaction, like “You look great” or “Those are nice shoes”.

    With the Wellbutrin, I think it’s fine to try to taper off after a year–especially if particular stressors that prompted the depression in the first place have decreased somewhat. Be mindful of what Nia said–have a supply of pills ready just in case the symptoms return in force.

    By the way, I realize you’ve been taking it for a while but I would advise caution when drinking caffeine while taking Wellbutrin, as I think the two interact somewhat. I’m not saying not to drink coffee on it, just be aware that caffeine may affect you more strongly when on Wellbutrin.

    Anyway, I’m glad to hear things are going well for you.


  5. I think you can broaden your definition of flirting. I’m not sure you need to be someone you’re not to pull it off, or some lash-blinking damsel blushing her way through her intent. To me, the only point of flirting is to make the other person feel good about themselves, and to associate that good feeling with interacting with me. It’s not one-size-fits-all, and I’d never say or do anything that doesn’t feel authentic to me. But there’s nothing disempowering in making someone else feel great. I’m all business at the gym, so if I wanted to get something off the ground with someone there, I’d just make sure to look as happy as I actually feel to see them at first. Big smile, hey how are you, wave, whatever, then get on with my workout. If he looked pleased to be singled out, I’d do it a few more times – conversation isn’t that far behind when you make it normal to greet each other. I’ve been paralyzed by a crush before, and it sucks. Try to get ahead of it before it’s too big in your own head for you to be yourself around him. And just because you’re profoundly attracted to him doesn’t automatically make him out of reach. I’ve done that before too.


  6. Looks like a lot of obsession over this guy. Don’t get me wrong, I also like to fantasize about strangers sometimes and it’s all fine if that’s all you want to do. If you really want more with this guy, likely chances are not good as he would have asked you out if he was interested by now. But why not try, what do you have to lose. I’d come up to him and said something like “I am going to try this new lunch spot [name] after I am done here, want to join?” Low stakes, he can say yes or no and it’s easy for both to save face.
    Now on flirting, this traditional “feminine” version of flirting has an expiration date around the age of 30-35, i would say. A grown woman acting “innocent” or “demure” will simply look stupid. Being nice and outgoing is all you need.


  7. I have never liked random men complimenting my looks. I have always wondered why that was and if I was wrong to dismiss these men. You just explained to me why it bothers me so much when I man I don’t know well makes a comment about my being fit or sexy. Thank you.


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