Question: I’ve been seeing this guy, literally just seeing and sex for around 8 months now. We go to his house, we smoke weed; it’s legal here in Washington, then we have sex. This same routine nearly every day for 8 months yet he never brings up anything about our future dating wise or relationship wise, he acts lovey dovey to me and expects the same from me, but then none of his friends know about me.
Back in December I almost left him because of his behavior and he said he really likes me, misses me and doesn’t want this to end but he refuses to say that it’s just sex. As a matter of fact I’ve tried to leave him 3 times but I keep getting sucked in because he says all these things that makes me feel like our relationship is getting somewhere and it’s going to be good but, of course it’s not. He’s taken me on two dates maybe and he thinks that’s enough. He was offended when I said he doesn’t take me out enough. He also got out of a long term relationship when we started hooking up as well so I attributed his behavior towards me to that and that’s why I’ve been so patient and trying to understand but I just can’t.
Why does act affectionate and demand affection from me when he just wants sex? He says it’s not just sex but he won’t say what it is? We’re simultaneously something and nothing. He’s also gotten more and more into pleasing me during sex. Another thing he does that drives me crazy is he ignore me for almost the whole day but if I ignore him for an hour he thinks something is wrong and I’m going to leave him. Like wtf? He only ever wants to see me after 8pm never meet up on our days off but then he wants me to spend the night all the time?
This last one irks me, whenever he is with me and one of his friends calls or texts he straight up lies to them with me right next to him. His usual excuses when he is with me are, just at home watching tv when we’re actually in the car, or he’s getting food when he just picked me up to go back to his house. Why lie? I feel like he’s ashamed of me.
So guys, what am I doing here? What can I do? What does this mean? Does he want to pursue a relationship or is it just sex. Also we had sex first before getting to really know each other. We know a lot, very personal things about each other now and we’ve had similar harsh situations growing up so maybe that bonded us? Am I wasting my time?
Okay. I’m going to kill the suspense for you:
It’s just sex, nothing more. He’s not interested in having a relationship with you. He’s not saying it’s just sex because he thinks you’ll bail. (Lol, no you won’t.)
Why lie? I feel like he’s ashamed of me.
I can understand why you’d feel that way, but more than likely he just doesn’t want anybody knowing his business. As I just said above – GURL – you two aren’t dating. He’s not going to incorporate his fuck buddy into his life and discuss her with his friends. That’s reserved for girlfriends.
I’m going to blow your mind and let you in on a secret: people can be intimate and cuddle and share personal histories and spend the night and still be casual. Sex without any intimacy is, well, kinda bad. It has its merits, but for the most part, really good sex comes from being comfortable with each other. Unless you’re a robot, it’s almost impossible not to develop a bond with someone that you are physically intimate with on a consistent basis. You’re isolating out these innocuous moments that you share with this man and wondering why, when you add them all together, they don’t equal a real relationship. That’s because there’s no intention on his part to have a relationship. If his goal is to keep having casual sex with you without committing, he’s going to deny, deny, deny that it’s just sex while at the same time behave in a way that he knows will keep him getting laid.
Also we had sex first before getting to really know each other.
That’s irrelevant. Plenty of people have had sex before knowing someone well (or at all) and gone on to have a serious relationship with the other person. The sex didn’t prevent this guy from taking you seriously. He never took you seriously to begin with. Which doesn’t mean you have no value or are not girlfriend material or whatever such nonsense we fill our heads with in these situations. He’s just not interested in having a relationship. Maybe with you, or maybe at all. Who knows? Who cares, as the dynamic isn’t going to change. He’s not going to wake up and realize he’s in love with you. That only happens in movies.
Am I wasting my time?
If what you seek is a committed relationship, then you are absolutely wasting your time. This guy is not going to change.