Are Some Guys Just Too Hot To Date?

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Yoga class the other day was frustrating. The reason I go back to this particular teacher is because she always ties the practice to a theme. Friday’s theme was – very appropriately – negative self-talk.

I’ve said this before: when I don’t execute a particular goal perfectly it perfectly the first time out, I get very frustrated. Worse, I put myself down. So there we were, doing tree pose, and I was teetering left and tottering right trying to stay upright.. Between my pancake-flat feet, lack of arches, and torn ligaments in both ankles due to being hit by a car (left ankle) and coming down from a spike in volleyball (right ankle), I struggle to balance my weight on one foot. Now, none of these things are my fault, but I couldn’t help but feel inadequate each time I tried and failed to hold the pose.

Is it my weight?

Is it my body?

Am I just not any good at this? Will I ever be?

In rushed the negative self-talk. Then today I took another class with a different teacher. I knew when she was five minutes late to class that I wasn’t going to like her. At one point I wasn’t doing the correct pose. From the middle of the room she said, “You, in the back” then made her way over to assist me with the pose. Thanks for that, by the way. Really appreciate being singled out in that manner. When she told us all to watch the pregnant woman in the class nail a pose “even with her big belly” I was mentally done. I’ll never return to her class. Speaking of yoga, after I hit my goal of attending six classes, I rewarded myself with this:

I love the material, but it’s a bit sheer and offers no support to my breasts. I’d have to wear a bralette of some kind underneath. My goal is to do the Equinox Firestarter class in June without collapsing on the floor gasping for breath.

Now for some dirt…

As fate would have it – Gym Guy and I crossed paths as I was leaving the other day. Before I could reach the door to exit the gym, the woman checking in members called me back to the desk to ask me where I bought my leggings and top. There on the screen in front of me was Gym Guy’s profile, with his full name in clear view.  I committed it to memory and went on my way, eager to get to work.

On my walk home I typed his name into Facebook and up popped his profile. Pros: He’s single. Cons: When he’s not bleary-eyed and hat-haired, he – like Derek Zoolander – is really, really ridiculously good-looking. Think Jeffrey Dean Morgan with a little Adrien Grenier thrown in for measure.

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I knew he was good looking, but I had no idea just how good looking he was because when I see him he always looks like he fell out of bed.

Oh, he’s also younger than I approximated, making my gushing that much more pathetic. As an astute reader of my private posts noted, his Instagram is sprinkled with comments from women cryptically-but-not hinting at the fact that they’ve fucked him or want to. I can’t say I blame them. Who wouldn’t brag about sleeping with him? To his credit (or maybe I’m giving him too much benefit of the doubt) he never acknowledges these comments. While I think he is acutely aware of his hotness, I don’t think it crosses over into arrogant territory. (Again, take that with a grain of salt.) He seems like a genuinely nice person.

This man is trophy-husband hot. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to sleep with him just to say that I did and prove something to all the nay sayers who like to mock the fact that I was a successful dating advice columnist who critiqued other people’s inabilities to find love but couldn’t keep a guy around long herself. Because let’s face it: One inexplicably hot person in the bed is like five in the bush. Or something. I’ll call anyone out for lying if they say they’d get no personal satisfaction from posting a photo of themselves cozying up to someone they know others would covet. What am I saying? I’m saying that, at times, I am riddled with self-doubt and wish I had a man to trot around on social media to make myself feel better. There. I said it.

The self-doubt is not helped when I wake up  to bitchy comments from readers., like this one:

My advice…stop listening to Moxie!  She’s very logical and very smart.  BUT, she’s very unsuccessful in dating.  And is a bit unhappy about working on this column…

She ignores her own advice, asks “How do I Look?” posts, yet argues with reasonable comments that are less than complimentary to her.  She even asked for honest feedback on her dating website pics and commentary, then blasted those who had honest and respectful suggestions.

BUT, she offers to make YOUR profiles better so you can get more hits.  Maybe they are better, but how are your profiles doing?  PS – Porn shots don’t count….

She also ignores her own advice.  Ignore him!  Don’t approach him!  My favorite is, “if he’s difficult, delete, if he wants to meet at a coffee shop across town, delete!,  If he says you’re pretty, delete!  If he asks if you workout, delete!

Gee, who gets a break?  There is no relaxing, meeting someone for coffee (there’s something wrong with him!), or not drinking (if you don’t drink, just stay home!). I’m pretty easygoing….until I’m not.

For me? I’m out.  I’m sure you won’t miss me because I rarely, rarely post. BUT, this is an interesting blog only because this woman is a personal NOT TO DO list.

I can’t really argue her points, can I? I am unsuccessful at dating. The past five years have been a wash because I was far too broken down from trauma and family infighting and grief to muster the energy to date much at all. But if you asked me a question about your love life I’d dissect it with razor-sharp insight and lay it all out for you. I have no problem stating that nobody – nobody – who deemed themselves an “expert” on matters of the app delivered such incisive feedback. I was better than good. Would I go as far as to say I was a personal not to do list in my own dating travails? No. Not by a longshot. I have blindspots like everyone else. Thanks to the depression, my emotional state was weakened, leaving me susceptible to the insecurity that occurs when one experiences rejection. And let’s be honest, for many online dating is a steady stream of rejection.

Another point from the comment that I have to agree with is that writing that blog every day made me unhappy. I can now say will full confidence that my happier mental state today is due to taking a step back from that column. Twice a week posts are enough for me. I could not and would not do a daily column again if you paid me.   Writing it was nothing more than a reminder that I was single and struggling. And miserable. Not feeling the pressure to write that column every day freed me to do other things, things I enjoy. Who knew that doing things you liked made you happy?

But despite the steady stream of calm and inner peace I feel, I still combat nagging self-doubt in moments of weakness. Seeing the objectively hot women that Gym Guy hooks-up with and listening to comments from readers hammering home the fact that he’s gorgeous – possibly too gorgeous for the likes of me – totally slapped me over the head with some much-needed reality.

So, now that the flame of my crush has been snuffed out, I’m a little sad. But – and this is the best part – I’m not sad enough that I head to that place in my mind where I beat myself up. Eh, it was fun while it lasted. Next.

That’s the old me, the woman who took things on the chin and rebounded quickly. I remember her.

I’ve missed her.

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9 comments

  1. This post is relevant to something that’s going on with me. There’s a guy that I think is just the most exquisitely beautiful thing to walk the earth. The thing is, while he is certainly good looking, it’s more the synergy of his voice and manner that make him so special. One thing I wonder about is if other people view him as merely very attractive, or as uniquely phenomenal and dream-inspiring as I do. I would be very disappointed if I found out that he was just very, very good-looking and I was merely responding to that without realizing it. Anyway, it is discouraging to hear about other people are also really into the person you’re into–regardless of your prospects with them, it feels nice to feel that what you feel for them is special.

    It’s good that you recognize the cause of your negative feelings. The truth is I think you probably still have a good chance of being able to date this guy, sleep with him, or befriend him. But it does feel different (in ways bad, but also somewhat good) to be getting someone as universally regarded as attractive as someone like that.

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  2. That’s the old me, the woman who took things on the chin and rebounded quickly. I remember her.

    I’ve missed her.

    I don’t have a fabulous hi-five gif to post here, but yeaaaah so awesome to read. 🙂

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  3. You said something that resonated with me. Thank you for bringing that up.

    I used to be (and still sometimes am) super shallow… For someone educated, logical and in her mid/almost late 30ies it’s not a pretty or useful quality.

    Those super hot guys? Been there, done that. Some of them I am sure are sweethearts but as money tends to corrupt people, over abundance of attention from same and opposite sex tends to spoil people as well. Not all but as a rule (happy to talk statistics here) many.

    I am sure I am generalizing but hear me out. I married a guy who was spoiled by female attention for his looks and when he was younger for his physical abilities / promise. I also thought he was hot. Not typically my type but the guy where both women and men would look twice at.

    Kicker? Our life together was miserable. He needed constant validation, praise and was not a partner but more of a leach… He of course didn’t believe that. He was used to his mom and later women in his life carrying him – figuratively and literary. As a rule pretty / hot / spoiled men make very bad partners. They might look pretty on a FB profile photo or Instagram but most of your life and all of the hard moments are spent behind closed door – just you and your closed one… And I learned the hard way – it’s the person and who thy are counts and really not what they look like. You’ll despise the person if they are horrible irrespective of what they look like and as a woman after a while I could see the pretty; I only saw the person or the lack of thereof next to me.

    I guess it’s a long winded way of saying two things:
    – handsome / pretty people might be miserable inside
    – as a society we are conditioned to place higher value on irrelevant things and downplay important things

    We are pretty screwed up.

    And I am not saying handsome / pretty is not great. Sure. It’s nice. All I am saying outside gold is in no way a substitute for inside gold if one is looking for more than a notch on their bedpost and a social media boost.

    Just my 2 cents. Thanks for letting me vent a bit 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, I’ve had a fling or two with an, “OMG, you’re so hot, you make me uncomfortable” guy. In a way it was nice that they were jerks to kinda poke a hole in the mystique. I don’t think I’m an overly shallow person or expected guys to be model hot (I’m sure not), but it’s easy to get stupid and start projecting when someone ridiculously good looking is within reach. It’s kinda how I grew to be a fan of FWB situations. Yes, I’d prefer a committed relationship (am in one now, for the record), but when I was navigating online dating, it was kinda nice to have a fun situation that took the mystique out of sex and helped me stop being the stupid girl who placed way too much importance on it, y’know?

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  4. I kind of….got the sense he was gay?

    Anyway. Best thing i did for my mental health was to stop reading the wedding section of the times, Cosmo, and to never eeally go on facebook. I am really glad you are figuring out what works for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am totally open to the possibility he’s gay, but so far nobody has been able to quantify their argument beyond, “I mean, he’s really good looking so, gay?”

      I could definitely see him being bi, but literally 80% of the people he follows on instagram are female fitness models.

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  5. There is absolutely nothing pathetic about “dude is super hot, I would like to hit that, y’all”?! That’s known as having functioning eyesight and being human. Regardless of whatever his situation is, he approached you. It’s completely normal to wonder what’s up in that situation, so stop beating yourself up! I totally get the social media bullshit too and, for what it’s worth, being in a relationship provides no protection from it! My dude doesn’t do social media (he’s older and it’s not a fantastic idea in his profession), so I very rarely have him in pictures. An acquaintance who is one of those dolts who celebrates Love Your Spouse Day on Facebook (Did you just dry heave? Me too!) actually asked a good friend of mine why I don’t share “couple pics”. What I’m getting at here is that many, many people on social media are morons and you shouldn’t worry about the dog and pony show or feel “less than”. When you meet your next boyfriend, please let me know when the first “maybe he’ll propose!” comment comes in and we can split a Xanax and a bottle of wine. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re awesome.

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  6. Totally relate. I’ve been texting and chatting with a too-good-looking-for-me guy for about a week now. Not even sure if I like him, but my fantasy involves showing him off to all my friends and family members and going out on the town with him, so that every one else can wonder what I got going on to snag this hot guy.

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  7. Re: the criticism you received, maybe the point of dating is enforcing boundaries and not settling for whatever comes by. Just because you’re not in a relationship doesn’t mean you don’t give good advice. When you look at the statistics on happiness and marriage, married women are the LEAST happy (married men are the most happy, of course). I think your perspective of ‘love yourself and your life…and if a relationship comes along, great, if not, that’s great too’ is healthy and very topical considering the single-majority in today’s society. Don’t think everyone who’s married has it better. In fact, most married people feel stuck and unhappy. Same for those in a relationship that they just can’t end but should. And don’t forget, a lot of people project. You don’t know what’s going on with the writer of that letter. Maybe something you wrote really got to her and made her lash out. Never take anything personally (“the Four Agreements”) and keep up the good work.

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