We’re All Slutty For The Right Guy

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Name: Marie
Age: 45
State: Florida
Question: I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy. I broke all my rules…I drank too much, slept with him (letting the wild girl come out-which I have never done). He only texted me a few times and called once. He said he wants to get together again but working a lot. After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!! He did not sex back except to say he is getting horny and will see me soon. I am embarrassed. If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex. I am not normally like this, so should I apologize and explain who I normally am ( a good, caring, mature, responsible, not party animal kinda of girl) or do I just stop texting and if he does text or call just not defend myself?

I broke all my rules…I drank too much, slept with him (letting the wild girl come out-which I have never done)

You broke all your rules? Girl, I see you. Those rules don’t exist. You just told yourself they do. If those rules existed, you would have never crossed that line. You don’t have to apologize for wanting to get laid. No way did your inner wild girl come out for the first time after that date. Honey, we’re all “wild” when the mood strikes us.  You don’t have to come up with excuses for wanting to get it on.

If I was dating me I would say yikes..she is too wild and only wants sex.

That’s because you’re a woman. A guy wouldn’t find your desire to have sex a bad thing. You’re thinking like a woman. The fact that you care what he thinks means you’re not just in it for the sex. You made a decision and now you’re all in your head because you’ve been trained to believe that women who have sex too soon are slutty and bad and blah blah blah . He’s not not seeing you because you were so “wild” in bed. He’s not seeing you because he has options. Either that or he was never terribly interested in the first place and took the sex you offered him. As for the “she only wants sex” part, yes, some men might think that’s all a woman is looking for if she sheds her inhibitions on a first date. However –  to a lot of men –  that is not a deterrent.  How you are perceived is greatly dependent upon how you approach the situation. As I’ve said before, there’s some game playing involved in these scenarios. If you don’t want to be perceived as just wanting sex, you have to pretend like the man somehow convinced you to abandon your rules just for him.  It’s a tiresome charade – kind of like how guys have to pretend like they enjoy paying the tab on a first date – but a necessary one.

I went out on a first date and really connected to this guy.

Had you and this guy genuinely connected, you wouldn’t have needed to sext him. He would have contacted you. He isn’t treating you like a booty call option because you had omigod “wild” sex with him. You didn’t disrupt true love’s design like some rom com version of Final Destination. That connection was in your head. That you’re still believing that you and this guy had a connection is the real problem. The only time you should be having sex with a guy on the first, second, third whatever date is if you’re perfectly okay with the possibility that you might never get anything more than that from him. The sex should never be used to as a bartering chip. That’s not to say that you won’t ever get more than sex. You just can’t use sex for anything other than personal pleasure if you wish to avoid what it is that you’re feeling right now.

Women like to imagine that there was some magical connection between themselves and a guy so they can justify doing exactly what you did. You wanted to have sex. That’s it. That’s why you’re remembering that date the way you are. It’s selective recall. You are embarrassed at what you did and are now choosing to see that date as something that it wasn’t.

so should I apologize and explain who I normally am ( a good, caring, mature, responsible, not party animal kinda of girl)

Let’s get something straight: no man in the history of ever has texted a woman the morning after and been apologetic about wanting to have sex. Ever.

EV-ER.

The real question is…why did you want to have sex? Was it because you were horny and you like sex? If you just wanted to have sex you wouldn’t care a whit what he was thinking about you or whether he was judging you. That’s what sexual empowerment is all about: making a choice, owning it and never apologizing for it. Don’t you dare send that guy a text and explain yourself. You don’t owe him or anybody else an explanation. Not only that but doing that will make you way too vulnerable. If he wasn’t using you before, he sure as hell will once you back pedal on your decision to have sex with him. Never let a man or woman know they’ve got you on the ropes. Either they’ll exploit that moment of weakness or run from it fearing things are about to turn dramatic.

After almost 3 weeks I had a drink and sexted him!!

And? You didn’t beat a school bus full of kids with a sack of puppies. The only thing you  did wrong when you sexted him was try to use the promise of sex to get attention.  That’s what makes what you did awkward. That just doesn’t work. Sure, you might get a response, but more often than not the guy sees that bone that you’re offering as a trap. Most men think that when a woman offers sex, and just sex, there’s usually some strings attached. That’s why many men don’t take that bait.

I’ve explained this before…despite what your friends might tell you, men like slutty women. Slutty is okay. Men date slutty women. Men marry slutty women. But there’s slutty and then there’s…slutty. The former is a woman who likes sex and has it when she wants without giving much care for what the man or her friends or society might think if they knew. That’s the key. If they knew. The latter type of slutty are the women who broadcast or otherwise use their sexuality to get attention or validation. Those women are liabilities as they usually aren’t truly confident and secure.

Leave it alone. This situation isn’t right for you. You’re way too in your head and second guessing yourself. It won’t end well. He’s clearly not terribly interested in you, so just file that one away and learn from the experience. Do not do what so many women do and tell yourself that you somehow screwed up your chance at finding a boyfriend. The sex had nothing to do with it. He was never going to be your boyfriend.

 

 

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4 comments

  1. This reminds me of so many other stories. Something I say over and over again (and wish I’d learned much earlier myself) is – the guy you fucked who’s now giving you a lukewarm vibe? Okay, he’s not Satan Incarnate, but if he doesn’t offer you any loyalty, he doesn’t deserve yours.

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  2. Agree 110%. There was never going to be a 2nd date no matter how she played it – sex or no sex. Its nearly 20 years after Sex and the City. How do women still not get this? Additionally, if some guy is bringing out the worst in you (i.e. getting drunk and doing things that embarrass yourself) you should probably not being dating him.

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  3. Marie,

    ATWYSingle nails this one left, right and center. She is spot on… the only reason a (normal, healthy) man wouldn’t show additional interest is because he has plenty of other options. While this might have been YOUR first ONS, it wasn’t HIS.

    Unmentioned, but inferred, is that you were “batting out of your league” and “just sex” was the most that was ever going to come out of this.

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