That Time I Embarrassed Myself In Front of My Crush

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More tales from the “I’m a Huge Dork” file:

I finished my intervals yesterday and dashed to the second floor to get to an eleven-thirty Ab Lab class.  Waiting outside the door of the studio was a group of about ten women and Luc. Luc weaves through the throng of women and comes to stand next to where I’m standing against the railing.

“Abs class?” he asks.

“Yep,” I said.

“Ever taken it before?”

I tell him of my experiences with the class, adding that I really liked it and it was a easy class to fit in after a cardio workout. We talk more about what classes we take and he says, “I’ve never taken the Above The Belt Class.”

“Yes you have,” I said. “You took it about a month ago. We were in the class together.” He had no reaction to this. I, on the other hand,

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We continue to chat and I, feeling bold, I say, “Luc. I take it that’s French?” I know. I’m so witty, right? No reaction. Not even a hint of a smile.

“Yeah,” he says, his tone and expression inscrutable.

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He has no accent, but his name is very obviously French.  For a second I thought maybe I offended him. He continued to chat with me, but kept the conversation about the gym.  I think maybe his uber-serious response to my lame attempt at flirting was his way of keeping the conversation from going in a personal direction. We took the class and I left with a few other when the abs portion ended. I caught his eye and he smiled at me and smiled back. That didn’t stop me from doing this when I got to the locker room:

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I’m so bad at this, you guise.

On another note, I wanted to open up a discussion about something that was brought up in the comments of the previous post.

I know that you know this, but having a man in your life will not eliminate the isolation that you feel. That is where your self care and doing things for yourself will help. So keep going with what you are doing-going to the gym, etc. It may not get “better” per say, but you will be better equipped to handle these times in your life. I hope you are still planning on going on your trip. – CT

A relationship can absolutely provide someone with companionship and conversation. I’m tired of people (who are usually in relationships themselves) telling women that they’re wrong about what they want. – Annienonymous

 

I could be wrong, but I think what CT was saying was that – because of my depression – the feelings of low self-worth and isolation won’t just disappear when I get into a relationship. A man can’t fix my brain, neither can affection or attention or love.  Would being in a relationship make things easier? I don’t know. What I am certain of is that the feelings of not being good enough don’t all revolve around being in a relationship. The fact that my sisters have never read anything that I’ve written really hurts me. It makes me feel like I’m not important. No man would be able to prevent me from feeling like I don’t matter in that situation. The only thing that will help those negative feelings is talk therapy. There, I learn to develop tools to talk myself through those moments.

Speaking of men and relationships, I still have my OKCupid profile up, but I foresee it being disabled by the end of the week. The rejection is doing a job on my psyche.  I do not get one response to the emails I send out. Not one. But then, I respond to literally zero of the messages I receive, so it makes sense that nobody responds to me.

I’m genuinely curious to hear other people’s experience with this: what is your response rate with dating sites like Match and OKCupid?

Thoughts?

 

 

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8 comments

  1. 47 year old male:

    OK Cupid: on it off and on, back when women actually used the ‘Quickmatch’ feature, I used to get quite a few matches. The ones I matched with, emailed them all. Not one response.

    POF: plenty of women ‘like’ me. I email the ones I match with. Not one response.

    Bumble: was on it for a week, 90% of the profiles were obvious fakes. Not one match.

    Tinder: I got a few matches. Emailed them all. Not one response.

    Match.com: was on it before their ‘matching’ feature, but when I was on Match, when I would switch my main photo, I’d get notifications that some women ‘liked’ the photo. I’d email them and get no response. Then one day this one woman ‘liked’ my photo, and I emailed her, thanking her for liking my photo. She swore she never liked it. Two weeks later I switched my photo again, and got another notification that this same woman ‘liked’ that photo. She again swore she never liked any photo. I sensed a scam, so I ended my membership and swore I’d never join again, but I’m reconsidering since OK Cupid, POF, Tinder and Bumble, and the social events offered in Boston suck so bad.

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  2. Tinder I used over a year ago for, like, a week. OKCupid, met the guy I am fating on there at the end of March. Before that, no guy had been responding to any messages I’d sent. I got messages from a bunch of guys, went on a few dates with a few guys, and it was soul-crushing. I actually hadn’t checked my messages in months, and was planning on doing a profile overhaul or disabling my account and then this guy messaged me and we met and…yeah.

    I think both Anonymous and CT are correct. I think you are correct – that CT meant that a relationship won’t fix a fundamental sense of worthlessness or a depression. I think Anonymous is correct in that people can be condescending about telling woman what they want. However, I also think that sometimes we think something will fix our problems but it won’t. Like, losing weight will make us happy – all losing weight will do is make us thinner. It won’t fundamentally change who we are, and it is the same with relationships.

    As for the Luc thing. I don’t think you’re bad at flirting. It is hard to flirt with someone who is not interested, and he obviously does like you. You are doing great.

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  3. YES! You understood my point. I am so glad.

    I joined match.com a few months ago at the same time as OKCupid. On OKCupid I got a lot of “hey what’s up you are really cute.” or “You wanna bang?” I do not respond to these, and it leaves me with zero. On match I got men 10+ years older than me tell me that I seem “real” and “it’s refreshing to see someone like you on here” but didn’t actually want to engage in a conversation. Or dudes that seemed kinda desperate to meet because they have exhausted all of the other options. I have never done Tinder or Bumble.

    Flirting vs having a conversation-good for you for starting a conversation. You are braver than me!

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  4. Female turning 40 soon.

    I tried Match a couple of times, but besides dating someone briefly for 6 months from there five yrs ago, I never really had any success for whatever reason. I also had mostly older gentlemen (20+yrs older) contact me, and rarely any guys I was interested in. Closed my account two years ago when I went on a scary date with a guy who ended up verbally attacking me in a restaurant/bar, after I said I wasn’t interested in another drink.

    Okcupid is a bit more random and I’m not as ignored as I am with Match. Two yrs ago I met and dated someone from OKC for about a yr. That said, I definitely don’t get as many msgs as you are reporting, even from people I’m not interested in. Most days I get no msgs at all, so you aren’t the only one, in fact you are doing way better than me. Lately, I would get random msgs by those I match with and I respond in kind, only to be received by silence, which is a real mystery. I rarely initiate conversation, and when I do, it’s with guys I match with. Again, it’s rare for them to respond, regardless of who initiates. Last two ongoing convo and dates consisted of guying blowing me off for a date because he was going exclusive with his FWB, the other a total jerk who wanted me call him on his bad date, the last I met but was completely uninterested with, which was over a month ago.

    I’ve resisted commenting on this before because I really can’t understand how someone so insightful about online dating can’t take their own advice. I’ve had a couple of injuries this last year, so I took a break while I recovered (broken foot-resp infection), but now I’m back to just OKC. I think the reason why it doesn’t bother me that I’ve not had much luck is because I’m not sending out endless msgs to guys, nor am I focused in just that aspect of my life. That said, I’ve discovered that just because a guy contacts me, doesn’t necessarily mean that he is actually interested or available in any way, but you have a better shot at least.

    In regards to the other dating Apps, Tinder I only briefly tried off and on more than a couple of years ago, but found that it mostly consisted of out-of-towners or people looking for a hookup. It also moves way faster than I can keep up with. Bumble I’ve never heard of until I read about here.

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  5. 43 year old male

    Right now I am only using Tinder. I have not matched with anyone as of late but at the same time I rarely swipe right on anyone these days. I’m just tired of seeing the same profile over and over again even though they are written by different women. I’ve gotten a lot more picky after a few frustrating experiences like conversations that go nowhere or the lack of responses to my messages. My last date was a few months ago. It was nice but I just did not feel anything. I’m seriously thinking about using OKCupid again.

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  6. I am 46

    I use Ok Cupid, I followed your advice from a while back and stick mostly to messaging men who have viewed my profile. I send a brief note, if I mention something specific from their profile and give them a compliment I have more success in receiving replies. Perhaps a 25% response rate. I used to subscribe to the A List then cancelled since messaging the men who gave me a like was waste of time. Overall I treat OK Cupid as a hobby so it is less frustrating.

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  7. “The fact that my sisters have never read anything that I’ve written really hurts me. It makes me feel like I’m not important.”

    They don’t read your stuff because your subject material deals with truth – or at least your truth – and they are not interested in truth. It’s not just your writing that they don’t read – they avoid ANYTHING that might force them into a state of deeper awareness. Anything that might mean having to process new information. It doesn’t matter who wrote it or said it or performed it in a play or a film. If it touches on raw, painful human emotions that would force them to confront something they don’t like …. guess what? They’re not gonna read it! Or watch it, or whatever. Hell, no. It’s not about you “not being important.” It’s about you having a connection to truth that makes you scary to them. Truth is powerful and for people who are committed to staying un-evolved, it’s poison. Your sisters are not unusual. Lots of people are like that, lots of families are like that. There is usually one member of a family who is the “truth-teller” and they usually get treated like crap by the others. It’s a familiar story. Don’t look for validation of your writing from your sisters. It’s normal to want validation and you shouldn’t stop seeking it. But accept that you won’t get it from them.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I can totally relate to this entry on all counts. I’m so tired of people matching with me or otherwise expressing interest, then not replying (or only replying once and ghosting when I ask where they’re from). I mean, are so many people really that self-unaware that they match and then realize they’re not interested? Blech.

    I hear you so much on feeling depressed about your siblings lack of interest in your creative endeavors. My siblings often are very surprisingly callous when I try to get them involved in my life or me involved in theirs. I can understand they’re being busy but some interaction doesn’t even take much time. I mean it’s not like we don’t speak, but sometimes they’re just very vocal about not caring about hearing what’s going on in my life, and it hurts. I make sure not to be too long winded with telling them about stuff, but they’re still weird about it. It’s particularly puzzling with one of them, because they’ve expressed feeling that other people don’t find what they have to say important. It’s like, what am I, chopped liver? It’s disappointing that she doesn’t seem to feel that we can be one of those people that listens to each other. I’m not sure why.

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