More tales from the “I’m a Huge Dork” file:
I finished my intervals yesterday and dashed to the second floor to get to an eleven-thirty Ab Lab class. Waiting outside the door of the studio was a group of about ten women and Luc. Luc weaves through the throng of women and comes to stand next to where I’m standing against the railing.
“Abs class?” he asks.
“Yep,” I said.
“Ever taken it before?”
I tell him of my experiences with the class, adding that I really liked it and it was a easy class to fit in after a cardio workout. We talk more about what classes we take and he says, “I’ve never taken the Above The Belt Class.”
“Yes you have,” I said. “You took it about a month ago. We were in the class together.” He had no reaction to this. I, on the other hand,
We continue to chat and I, feeling bold, I say, “Luc. I take it that’s French?” I know. I’m so witty, right? No reaction. Not even a hint of a smile.
“Yeah,” he says, his tone and expression inscrutable.
He has no accent, but his name is very obviously French. For a second I thought maybe I offended him. He continued to chat with me, but kept the conversation about the gym. I think maybe his uber-serious response to my lame attempt at flirting was his way of keeping the conversation from going in a personal direction. We took the class and I left with a few other when the abs portion ended. I caught his eye and he smiled at me and smiled back. That didn’t stop me from doing this when I got to the locker room:
I’m so bad at this, you guise.
On another note, I wanted to open up a discussion about something that was brought up in the comments of the previous post.
I know that you know this, but having a man in your life will not eliminate the isolation that you feel. That is where your self care and doing things for yourself will help. So keep going with what you are doing-going to the gym, etc. It may not get “better” per say, but you will be better equipped to handle these times in your life. I hope you are still planning on going on your trip. – CT
A relationship can absolutely provide someone with companionship and conversation. I’m tired of people (who are usually in relationships themselves) telling women that they’re wrong about what they want. – Annienonymous
I could be wrong, but I think what CT was saying was that – because of my depression – the feelings of low self-worth and isolation won’t just disappear when I get into a relationship. A man can’t fix my brain, neither can affection or attention or love. Would being in a relationship make things easier? I don’t know. What I am certain of is that the feelings of not being good enough don’t all revolve around being in a relationship. The fact that my sisters have never read anything that I’ve written really hurts me. It makes me feel like I’m not important. No man would be able to prevent me from feeling like I don’t matter in that situation. The only thing that will help those negative feelings is talk therapy. There, I learn to develop tools to talk myself through those moments.
Speaking of men and relationships, I still have my OKCupid profile up, but I foresee it being disabled by the end of the week. The rejection is doing a job on my psyche. I do not get one response to the emails I send out. Not one. But then, I respond to literally zero of the messages I receive, so it makes sense that nobody responds to me.
I’m genuinely curious to hear other people’s experience with this: what is your response rate with dating sites like Match and OKCupid?